Clearly I Didn't Need to Go Home

Irish Election sums it up nicely:

Total Electorate: 3,078,032

Total Poll: 58.99% (1,816,636)
Yes:67.11% (1,214,270)
No: 32.89% (595,142)
Spoiled Votes: 7,244
Miraculous Medals in Ballot Boxes: 2
Passports in Ballot Boxes : 1

28th Amendment to the Irish Constitution Treaty of Lisbon II is passed.

The changes in how the constituencies voted from last year are fascinating. The swing in Dublin South West and in my own constituency have been most encouraging. It's been interesting watching the tallies come in, and I've found it hard not to keep popping onto RTE to see how they were covering the treaty.

The situation in Donegal isn't encouraging, though. Is this a right-wing Catholic vote? Or is it connected with fears for the fishing industry? Probably the latter, though I can't see how the proposed institutional arrangements under Lisbon could be worse than the current ones.

Still, all told it's been a good day.

Fingers Crossed On Lisbon

It seems there have been a couple of sketchy opposition exit polls that indicate it's a win for the 'Yes' side. Fine Gael are giving it 52% yes and 48% no, while Young Fine Gael are giving it 60% yes and 40% no. There's no telling how scientific these polls have been, though, and the figures should probably be taken with more than a pinch of salt. Still, though, this is encouraging.

I have a few friends who are perplexed about my support for Lisbon, since they can't see how this is good for Ireland. Leaving aside how they're often using 'Ireland' as a stand-in for 'Britain', fo me it's ultimately a no-brainer.

In general our interests are in tune with Britain and our other partners on the mainland: making our collective voice clearer and louder will give us more influence than we've been, and we'll need that influence down the line if we want there to be a European voice at the table where America and China and figuring out which way the world'll go. Giving the national parliaments a couple of months to go through proposals before the Council votes on them is surely a good thing, and having the Council vote in public on them has to be the most overdue of reforms. And like I've said, Lisbon gives us a mechanism to leave if we ever decide we'd be better off outside the tent.

It's not perfect, of course. In particular, I'm not convinced that the European parliament is other than a well-intentioned waste of money. It's a good idea, in that it's nice to have someone who directly represents you, rather than your country, in the European institutions: crudely put, the Parliament represents the people, the Council represents the countries, and the Commission represents the Union as a whole. And yes, I know big corporations and NGOs spent a fortune trying to lobby MEPs, and that there those who argue it's incredibly powerful. But barring how it can sack the Commission -- which is a very important capability, usefully applied once already -- I'm just not sure it works in practice.

The German Supreme Court was right when it said it's an assembly rather than a parliament, not least because as a rule its seven groupings operate in a consensual way, rather than as a government and and an opposition. Given the need to allow the small countries to have any kind of presence at all, electoral equality has to be disregarded, so that a Maltese vote goes thirteen times further than a German one; there's no way this is going to change, so a fully and equally enfranchised European demos isn't on the cards.

I get annoyed too whenever the Parliament votes to promote universal access to abortion across the Union. This isn't a pro-life point I'm making, I should explain: it's a sovereignty one. Ever since the Maastricht Treaty in 1992, it's been a staple of European law that abortion in Ireland is an Irish issue to be ruled on by the Irish people. Despite this, every so often there's a proposal in the parliament that disregards this. The most recent one I can think of was in January 2009, when the Parliament approved a motion by Giusto Catania of the Italian Communist party which drew on the -- as yet unratified -- Charter of Fundamental Rights and called on the Union to promote the right to abortion everywhere in the Union. Back in September 2004 there was a bit of a rumpus about a Portuguese attempt to ban the Dutch 'Women on Waves' ship from entering Portuguese waters; this sparked a debate about whether abortion should be permitted across the whole EU, with Vasco Graca Moura, a Portuguese MEP, making the astute point that the debate was a complete waste of time, as 'termination of abortions falls under the competences of member states'. In July 2002 the Parliament formally approved a report presented by the Belgian MEP Anne van Lancker which urged increased access to abortion facilities across the Union.

Obviously, as I've said in the past, I'm pro-life, but that's not the issue here. This is a matter of sovereignty. In the broad sense, abortion is regarded as a health issue in EU law, and health issues are considered national competences rather than pan-European ones; more narrowly, Irish arrangements regarding abortion are specifically protected as being a Irish problems that require Irish solutions; either way, votes and debates on these issues shouldn't have an implications for Ireland, and yet they're treated in the Parliament as though they do. You might wonder why they happen at all, really.

On that, I'd say that these votes, of course, never create binding obligations, as the Parliament is primarily a consultative body, rather than a legislative one. I'm pretty sure this is the only reason these debates are allowed. If the Parliament were to be granted teeth, it would also need to be given a muzzle.

Of course, all this means that the EU is, and shall remain an association of sovereign states, rather than a 'super-state', which you'd think the No campaigners would like. Of course, that'd require them to close their mouths and then open their minds for a bit. Have you seen any flying pigs lately?

Lisbon: Five Minutes to Midnight

I know, I've not been online here in ages. Still, I wrote a post for my Facebook page just there, and thought I may as well post it here too. Important times, after all. I was meant to be going home tomorrow, but then, I was meant to have submitted my thesis yesterday. Events of the last few months, and the last month in particularly, have thrown everything out of whack, and I didn't managed to make my Wednesday deadline. I'm currently typing like mad and hoping for a short extension.

Anyway, this means I'll not be home tomorrow. I'll be home soon enough, but not tomorrow, so I'm afraid I'll have to postpone any plans I'd made to see people, and I'll not be giving blood, getting my hair cut, or voting on Lisbon. Apologies to people I'd planned to meet, all of whom I've tagged here.

Given that I'll not be voting on Lisbon, and I'm surrendering all the time I'd have spent going home to getting my thesis finished, I think it'd not be too indulgent of me to say why I wish I could vote for Lisbon, and why I think everyone who can should do so.

Putting it simply, although the Lisbon Treaty looks like a chaotic mess, its end result, once it comes to pass, will be two tidy treaties, making the structure, capabilities, aims, and direction of the EU much clearer to everyone. As reformed by Lisbon, the EU will be both more efficient and much more accountable.

The most important reforms, as far as I can see, and the reasons for approving of them, are as follows:

1. Stabilising the rotating position that is the President of the European Council from a six-month part-time appointment, as it currently is, to a thirty-month full-time appointment has to be a good thing as it will collectively give all members of the Union a recognisable and coherent voice on global issues. Likewise the merging of the two key external affairs commissioners into one, and the merging of the three European bodies into one legal entity. By making things simpler, we'll make our voice clearer, louder, and more effective on things we all agree on.

2. Making the Council, the main decision-making body, vote in public will make the whole EU decision-making structure far more accountable, and will make it harder for national governments and the media to blame 'faceless bureaucrats' for European decisions.

3. Requiring the Commission to send all proposals to the national parliaments for their scrutiny eight weeks before they go to the Council surely has to be a good thing, not least because it'll provide an effective safeguard to prevent the Union from going beyond its remit.

4. The Council's new double majority voting system is an elegant balancing act that recognises the democratic weight of big countries like Britain, France, and Germany, while also taking full account of the importance - as sovereign nation states - of small ones like Ireland, Austria, and Malta. In fact, you could argue that far from Ireland having lost influence in this arrangement, we've gained it, but that ignores the fact that these voting arrangements are apparently hardly ever needed, with most EU decisions being made by consensus whether they need to be or not.

5. If countries still aren't happy, after all of this, Lisbon provides countries with a mechanism to secede from the Union, something that currently doesn't exist.

It does plenty more, of course, including guaranteeing various individual rights through the Charter of Fundamental Rights, and allowing citizens to petition the Commission if they can assemble petitions with a million signatories - that's 0.2% of the Union population, so not that many people, really.

It's important to stress how much of this is just tidying up things, and how much of it is still based on unanimity. Pretty much everything to do with external relations requires unanimity, and the entirety of the defence arrangements require unanimity. This means that the EU's five neutral country can't be forced to do anything militarily - yes, not even buying new equipment - unless they agree to. And even if you don't trust the government, in which case your beef is with your politicians, not your neighbours, such agreements can't be backroom deals, given that they'll be scrutinised by the national parliaments first, and voted on publicly by the Council.


Of course, there are loads of claims being wheeled out about why Irish people shouldn't vote for Lisbon, these claims coming from, broadly speaking, six groups, none of which make a convincing case, if you pay close attention, and actually check what they say against the two treaties themselves:

1. Libertas, who've generally been pretty quiet this time out. Their main claims last time relied on claims about Brussels imposing centralised taxes and about Ireland losing its commissioner every so often. The first claim was nonsense, and the second was established by Nice anyway. Since Lisbon I, our European partners have guaranteed that central taxation won't happen unless everybody wants it, in which case, well, everyone would want it, and have added a guarantee that every state will always retain the right to a commissioner.

2. The Green Rump, led by Patricia McKenna, who is making exactly the same arguments she made against Maastricht, Amsterdam, and Nice, and seems oblivious to the fact that pretty much every bit of Irish environmental legislation originated in Europe. Why she seems to think that America, China, Russia, India, and the OPEC countries would be more willing to listen to a dirge of European voices rather than one loud and clear one in the coming debates about global climate change isn't really clear.

3. Sinn Fein, who argued last time that we could get a better deal in Europe, and that we shouldn't be losing a commissioner, and who have since been in a huff because the government went back to Brussels, haggled successfully for us to keep our commissioner, and then said it would ask us again whether we were still unhappy with Lisbon. Effectively they were asked if they'd like tea, said no because they didn't like tea without sugar, were then offered tea with sugar, and snarled sure didn't they say they didn't want tea! There's no pleasing some people, especially when those people have always been in the steady minority of the eligible electorate that opposed EEC accession, the Single European Act, the Maastricht Treaty, the Amsterdam Treaty, and the Nice Treaty. Aside from not having noticed a democratic trend against them both in referendums and in normal elections, they don't seem to have gotten the memo that European integration has allowed Ireland to stand on its own two feet and break free of economic dependence on Britain, which is probably one of the reasons why it's opposed by...

4. UKIP and their cronies from over the Irish Sea. Seriously, you need to read their leaflet to appreciate the scale of their lies. Is there anything in it that isn't a distortion? They present all manner of things out of context and as though they're either new developments, rather than decades-old ones, or else as though they don't still require unanimous consent from member states. And of course, no mention of open voting or equally-weighted national voting in the Council, parliamentary scrutiny at a national level, citizens' initiatives, or the secession mechanism. Liars, and liars with no interest in Ireland other than as a wedge to crack the whole EU open.

5. The Socialist Worker crowd are perhaps as odd allies for UKIP as Sinn Fein are. These tend to be the Lisbon opponents I like most, especially on a personal level, but they're deeply wrong on this, and I've yet to see any evidence for the claims that Lisbon is bad for workers. The fact that trade unions - even the stroppier ones - are in favour of Lisbon should be a clue on that front, really.

6. And finally there's Coir. Oh dear. Look, I'm Catholic, and I'm pro-life, and that shower of sanctimonious liars do not speak for me. They don't seem to have gotten the memo that God doesn't need our lies, and that the ends do not justify the means. The fact that the hierarchy and Des Hanafin, that old warhorse of the culture wars of the 1980s and early 1990s, have said that they're talking rot and that Lisbon is no threat to Ireland's complete independence on the abortion issue are, I think powerful arguments against this crowd. I still like the spoof Coir posters, though.

Seriously, I know a stopped clock can be right not just once but twice a day, but does anyone seriously think that all of these stopped clocks are simultaneously right? Generally speaking here, the best thing to do whenever you hear one of these people make a claim about the treaties is to find out what passage they're talking about, and look it up. There's a fair chance that a reference to unanimity will be in there somewhere, or else that the supposed change is something that's already been the case for decades.

You can prove anything with facts, after all. I just wish Michael O'Leary hadn't weighed in. Sigh...

As though Philip Zimbardo had a Whole Country to Experiment with...

Given the horrors we've seen in the Ryan Report, and having trawled through it here in recent days, I emailed Mark Shea my thoughts on it, thinking they might help explain things to Mark's American readers. He posted the text of my email the other day, so I may as well copy it here too:

I lived in Dublin till 2001, and again from 2006 to 2008, and it was blatantly apparent on my return there that whatever hope there is for the Church in Ireland lies with the like of Dublin's Archbishop Martin.

Between 1992 and 2002 the Church was hit by scandal after scandal, with early stories of what most Irish people would probably now see as minor misdemeanours in the scale of things being swept away by the revelations of child abuse in parish after parish and above all in the industrial schools.

I don't think you can grasp how shocking this all was at the time - effectively the country had been in denial since the foundation of the state, the people blind to monstrous things that were happening under their noses. I think everyone knew the industrial schools were horrible places, so whenever people heard stories of horrible things there, they just dismissed them as exaggeration. They were horrible places, of course, but they weren't *that* horrible. There was no way priests, brothers, and nuns would do that, surely.

People tended to see the Church as perfect, largely due to what it had achieved in building up a national network of schools and hospitals, and indeed because Irishness as a concept had become so tied to Catholicism. Criticising it - even doubting it - would have been unpatriotic and disloyal, in our newly free country, so desperate to justify our independence, such disloyalty would have felt like treason. And if the Church was perfect, well so must have been its agents, and if naughty little children said horrible things about them, well, they were obviously lying.

Added to this, I think, was the fact that there were some things that just weren't talked about. There was a child murdered in horrendous fashion by another child in my parish in the early seventies, and my brother, who was the same age as the victim, never heard about it until a few months ago. The newspaper reports at the time were astonishingly scanty. Things just weren't discussed. So if you heard monstrous tales about priests or nuns, not merely would you be inclined not to believe it, you'd be inclined not to talk about it either. I think that's at the heart of this - not that people didn't know, or at least not that they'd not heard, but that that knowledge was never shared.

The revelations of the mid-nineties changed all that, though, because the stories first appeared in the papers and on telly, carried by a media that had lived through the eighties, when the country had divided itself in a series of huge quarrels over the likes of abortion and divorce. There were enough people in the media by the early nineties who weren't in thrall to the Church and were inclined to actually ask questions and gather evidence, and so the first stories broke.

And then once this had entered the national conversation, people who'd been silent for all their lives spoke about what had happened to them. The last decade of the twentieth century was like a national purging, with horror after horror being revealed. And people were genuinely shocked. They hadn't expected this.

As a country, we'd colluded in this, but had done so through wilful disbelief, through a contempt for children, through a conviction in the impeccability of the Church, through a perversion of mercy. It was denial on a massive scale, and the scales fell from our eyes in the nineties.

Mass attendance collapsed, predictably, though not to the extent that people tend to assume - it basically fell from near total attendance to slightly more than half attendance - but this was as much due to a generation of ill-catechised Catholics growing up through the eighties culture wars and reaching maturity at a time when the country had money and we felt invincible, as it was a result of the scandals. Catholicism felt like a badge of the old poor Ireland, and it looked as ready to be ditched as the national language had been so long before.

Things are genuinely different there now. The Church is chastened, smaller, and much weaker than before. What's more, in the likes of Dublin's Archbishop Martin, it's seen as humbler, warmer, more honest, and more humane than the Church has been in living memory, and this is making a difference.

Indeed, in Martin's public opposition to the policies of his precessor in Dublin, he's done a phenomenal amount to restore some tiny piece of the Church's shattered credibility.

Congregations will keep falling, for a while anyway, because a generation was largely lost, and the older Catholics are gradually dying, but surprising numbers of the lost generation are starting to creep back to mass, and the new Irish - the Poles, etc - are making a real difference, giving the Irish church a much needed injection of enthusiasm, hope, and a more mainstream dose of Catholicism. And this time we'll look at the Church more honestly and realistically, and that can only be a good thing.

I don't think this report will make much of a difference, no more than the report on child abuse in the diocese of Ferns of a couple of years back. And the Ferns report dealt with a lot of abuse by priests of girls, incidentally, which should hush those who think this is just a gay issue, just as lots of the abuse described in this report predates Vatican II, which should hush those who think that the rot only set in with the Council. For a decade and a half we've known monstrous things happened back right up to the early nineties, in schools run by our Church on behalf of our State. We've known they happened on a horrific scale, and that unimaginable crimes were committed upon child after child. This report, though enormous in scale, and showing just how far back all this went on, won't really add to that.

The failure to use real names is a shame, I admit, but I can see why.

A major problem in cases of child abuse - especially cases where the crime happened long ago - is that the evidence is notoriously flimsy. There's never any physical evidence, and old childhood memories are incredibly unreliable, prone to distortion and invention. It's almost impossible to prove guilt, and we hold as a central legal principle that we should assume innocence until guilt is proven.

So the choice seems to have been a straightforward one: assume innocence and don't tell the stories, or assume guilt and tell them, but with the names changed. The latter option's been taken, and the names have been changed because the guilt is - legally speaking - assumed rather than proven.

There's nothing stopping anyone from taking this to court, other than than the fact that if the accused fight the allegations then the cases could run for years and in most cases couldn't be brought to a 'guilty' verdict. I think judgment on these matters shall have to lie with God, though I fear this will be of little comfort to all those so wounded by those claiming to act in his name, especially those who have been driven from the Faith by the wicked and vicious crimes that were enacted upon them. In the meantime we can only pray for comfort and forgiveness.

Don't forget that this was all done in the State's name, by the way - the new state lacked a proper infrastructure, and so it came to rely on the churches and hospitals etc that the Church had built up through the nineteenth century. Effectively what happened is that the State farmed out to the Church things it couldn't afford to do - and given that the State was overwhelmingly Catholic, I don't think many people saw a problem with this. This is why the State is bearing the bulk of the compensation for this, as in this context the Church was theoretically working for the State, and so the man at the top is taking the fall. It was the State's job to supervise these schools, and it spectacularly failed. The Church failed too, of course, abominably so, but the State allowed it to do so, and so this was a colossal failure on the part of the Department of Education, the Courts, and the Guards.

As to why any of this happened, beats me. The quasi-Jansenist nature of the Irish Church has some weight, I think, as do claims of sexual repression, in that vast numbers of clearly unsuitable people were accepted into religious orders and the Priesthood, but the broader Original Sin one strikes me as better, really. After all, Jansenism doesn't explain nineteenth century English workhouses, or Rwanda, or Bosnia, or Abu Ghraib does it? The Stanford Prison Experiment shows us to what happens when people are given power over each other. Power corrupts.

And Bill Donohue should consider his position after what he's said. Perhaps he might listen to Archbishop Martin. God neither needs or wants our lies.

There's no getting around how monstrous this is. Nor should there be. People shouldn't be denying the honours that were perpetuated in the name of the State. Equally, though, we've got to understand what the Report was trying to do, and not misrepresent its findings or torture its data so it tells us things we want to hear. The Ryan Report stands on its own terms, and the realities it reveals need to be faced honestly.

Aghast at Amazon, Part 2

Of course, Amazon sells things other than books. Like staples, say, or Sigmund Freud action figures. The latter are particularly promising, especially if you team them up with other toys, as this fellow does:

'This toy is lots of fun. I like to play with it using my old GIJOE toys. My favorite scenario is to have Sigmund Freud kill off Cobra Commander, and then take his place as leader of Cobra: The Enemy. With his cigar, he works really well as an evil villain. (Plus, he likes to torture the good guys that they capture by tying them up and putting his cigar out on their bare chest.)

It is lots of fun to play with. The final battle usually takes place on the rug at the foot of my bed (which substitutes for a jungle), where Snake-Eyes challenges Sigmund Freud to a duel in order to avenge the death of Duke and all the other Joes. (Snake-Eyes is always the only surviving Joe left.) Sigmund Freud then tries some ninja moves to kick Snake-Eyes' rear, but Snake Eyes beats the crap out of him. It finally ends with Snake Eyes using his sword to gut Sigmund Freud, as his sword slowly slides out of his bloody entrails. It really is a lot of fun!

Sometimes I do a Transformer Crossover Universe, where Megatron comes in and has Sigmund Freud join him in some plot to obtain energy in order to build the ultimate weapon and take control the universe. The Joes always have to go get help from Optimus Prime, who always puts a stop to this plot just at the last minute, but not before his arm gets chopped off in battle. (I am actually missing Optimus' arm in real life, so that's why this always happens in the story.) '

You'd buy that, wouldn't you?

What other treasures does Amazon have to offer? Well, if I can just pick half a dozen, with sample reviews to tempt you...


Uranium Ore
'Picked this up for use in one of my kid's 'diversity' projects in school (Great Success!), and stuck the leftovers in the cabinet next to the baking soda.

Ran out of toothpaste, and remembered how you're supposed to be able to use baking soda to clean your teeth, so of course, I accidentally used this instead, and Wow! all I can say is, my teeth have never been cleaner! They sparkle, they tingle, and for some reason, they STAY clean now, no matter what. Highly recommended!

However, when I ran out of that fire-ant killer powder stuff, I figured I would try some for that too. Big mistake!

Boy, it sure did not kill those ants! Fortunately, those suckers get slower as they get bigger, so I have been able to use a shovel to take care of most of them, one at a time though, the sneaky devils. And the darn trash man refuses to take them away...

I would have given this product 5 stars for the teeth and the project on embracing diversity, but I deducted one star because of the giant mutant ants.'


Bic Crystal Ballpoint Pen
'Worked fine with my right hand, but when I came to use my left hand my writing came out looking like the work of a complete imbecile. I can only assume Bic have created a right-handed only pen, and would caution left-handers to "try before you buy".'


The Classic Cremation Urn
'Mom proudly displays Dad in this urn in her assisted living apartment.

After keeping Dad in a cardboard cylinder in the garage on the workbench near his tools, where he was most at home for a couple of years, Mom had to move to an assisted living facility. Since she talks to him every day, we had to prepare Dad for the move. He wasn't too happy about it, and he was pretty upset that we spent so much money for his new home, especially since the old one was free from the crematorium. He also wasn't too happy about being stuck in the same room with Mom all the time, because now he'd have to listen to her talking all day.

When I told him the urn was pretty soundproof, he said ok. So I poured him in. He just fit, but I spilled a little of him on the workbench.He was ok with that.

I guess we'll get the matching one for Mom when the time comes. Dad said to wait for a good sale, and be sure there's enough room for a phone so she won't nag him all day.

Dad, it's been almost 5 years, and I miss you like it was yesterday. Mom doesn't miss you so much. To her, you're still there.'


Elk Carcass
'When it comes to carcasses, nothing beats elk. I've ordered deer carcasses, goat carcasses, drifter carcasses, but honestly, I just love my elk. I was like a kid on Christmas morning when that exhausted UPS delivery boy hauled that package out of his truck and collapsed in my driveway. I was a little disappointed when I discovered that it only came with four oranges because the product image clearly depicts five. All in all though, the oranges aren't what mattered, I just chuck those at neighbor kids on skateboards. The carcass was perfect! I thanked that UPS delivery man who was lying there dying in my driveway and I went inside to do whatever it is people do with elk carcasses.'

Curiously, the photo of the Elk Carcass is identical to the one of the Venison Carcass produced by the same people. I'm just saying.


Tuscan Whole Milk
'I find the used milk to be just as good as the new stuff. Who needs a sealed lid and so what if there's some missing. The chunks sift out easily too. Save money, buy used.'

This may be my favourite of them all. The sheer range of reviews is infinitely hilarious. But what reminded me of these absurdities is this wonderful item of apparel...


Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt
'This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that's when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to 'howl at the moon' from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called mehth. I told them no, because they didn't have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn't settle for the first thing that comes to him.

I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt.

Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the 'guns'), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark.'


I reckon the shirt would go great with some Zubaz pants.

Aghast at Amazon

I was delighted to discover the other day -- don't ask how -- that some of my favourite Amazon products are still on sale, complete with comedic reviews. They're well worth the inspection. Here are five gems that you might be tempted to buy, with samples from reviews...

The Very Best of David Hasslehoff
'I suppose this could be called a fusion album. As David demonstrates a perfect example of the German sense for melody and delicate phrasing while blending them with American, early 80's, big haired, tight trousered RRRock. I love this album and play it at least 10 times a day, every day throughout what has been a very difficult time for me. My family and then my pets have left me, my neighbours curse at me in the street and birds no longer land in my garden. But through it all I just keep on playing the Hoff. Play this album once and you will never buy another one again.'

The Holy Bible: King James Version
'For those of you who don't know, this is God's second novel after the Old Testament. It's a marked improvement, in my opinion. He got rid of a lot of his previous angst and scorn, and has really begun to show some of the maturity present in his later works. He's become a much more loving and kind God, and, noticeably, he doesn't throw nearly as many tantrums as he did in the first book. '

Oddly, other versions of the Bible don't seem to have attracted the same derision.

Reading Mastery - Level 2 Storybook 1, by Siegfriend Engelmann, a.k.a. The Pet Goat

'This is the stuff that makes great men so great. Should be a required reading for leaders of men. Presidential material. I found it so rich and powerful that I had to take seven minutes to reflect and decide what to do next.'

Penetrating Wagner's Ring: An Anthology, by John L. Digaetani
'Until recently, Wagner's ring has been difficult for most of us to penetrate. Access to his darkest area has traditionally been restricted to those lucky few capable of maintaining strong, determined strokes of scholarly investigation. Happily, DiGaetani provides everyone - including the most intellectually well-endowed amongst us - with the tools needed to effortlessly prize apart Wagner's ring and plunder its forbidden contents. DiGaetani's main thrust shows that perseverance and a firm-hand are all that is needed to enter Wagner. Oiled with this literary lubricant, you will find yourself repeatedly sliding deep into Wagner's ring until a satisfying climax is reached.'

Another review wonders why there is a Klingon on the front cover. Of course, you haven't really heard Wagner unless you've heard him in the original Klingon.

The Bible Cure for Irritable Bowel Syndrome, by Don Colbert
'For many years I suffered the agonizing pain that accompanies IBS. Little did I know that the answers to all my problems could be found within the "Good Book" that had been on my bookshelf since I was a child. Although I had read the Bible from cover to cover, it wasn't until I picked up Dr. Colbert's miriculous journal that I realized Jesus wasn't too busy healing cripples and raising from the dead to concern himself with curing explosive diarrhea as well. Taken directly from the pages of the four gospels, as well as the newly discovered Gospel According to Bucky, this book is a must have for anyone who has ever crapped their pants before making it to the John.'

Yep, all true. More tomorrow, while I think of it, in rather more surreal and less offensive vein.

The Premier League and the Illusion of Competition

So, with the football season drawing to a close, and with the Premier League having wrapped up on Sunday, I got to chatting last night about the overall shape of this season. As an Everton fan, I was obviously pretty happy with it, given that we've managed fifth place in the league for a second time running, and are in the cup final, but my mates were rather surprised at how pensive I was about the whole thing.

Well, I explained, I think the Premier League is basically a rigged game. Everton may have managed fifth twice running, having been sixth the previous year, but unless Arsenal have another shocker of a year next year, or Benitez's near-achievements of this year aren't repeated next year, or Chelsea's new manager can't come up with the goods, or Manchester City buys a batch of new players and shakes things up at the top, there's not really much hope of breaking into the top four. And sad though it is, it's all about getting into the top four.

It'll be great if we win the cup, and there'll be no end of celebrating if we do, but the league's the real barometer of success, and the only competition that offers real rewards, in that the top four places grant you access to the Champions' League, and the money that the Champions' League brings pretty much guarantees dominance in the domestic game, unless things go very wrong.

To explain, simply, in 2006-7 Everton came fifth in the Premier League, with Liverpool coming fourth. Everton entered the UEFA cup, making it as far as the quarter finals, beating the eventual winners on the way there, but getting knocked out on penalties. For all their efforts they were rewarded with something in the region of half a million quid. Liverpool, on the other hand, attained a place in the Champions' League qualifiers, and, on qualifying for the Champions' League, made it all the way through to the semi-final, winning something in the region of twenty million quid through doing so.

That's what the difference between fourth and fifth place can be. Twenty million pounds. So what, you might say. Well, twenty million pounds buys you Torres, putting it bluntly. And winning the Champions' League means more than thirty million into the club kitty.

Obviously, I'm caricaturing the situation, and this probably sounds like sour grapes, but there's no denying that there's a massive gap between the top four teams and the next four teams, and despite claims that this year's Premier League has been more competitive than previously, this competition is largely an illusion. There are a few mini-competitions, but the overall trend is pretty much settled even before the season starts.

If you average out the end of season stats for the top four teams, you'll see that they've ended the season on 82.75 points each, and have a positive goal difference of 42.25. The next four teams, on the other hand, work out at 57.25 points each, and a positive goal difference of 7.25.

In other words, the Sky 4 lead the chasing pack by an average of 25.5 points and 35 goals. And this season, though worse than any in the last twenty years in this regard, is no anomaly. Look at this chart:

Both the points gap and the goal difference gap have been indisputably increasing over the past twenty years. Sure, the rate of increase is erratic, but the general trend is clear, especially over the last decade. Twenty years ago the gap stood at 13.5 points and 18 goals, and now it stands at 25.5 points and 35 goals -- it's almost doubled, and I suspect it'll have done so within another year or two.

Look at the top six teams for the last two years. The league trophy, in whatever incarnation, has been the exclusive preserve of United, Arsenal, and Chelsea since 1996. Of the chasing pack, Liverpool last won it in 1990, when the gap stood at 11.5 points and 12 goals, Everton last won it in 1987, when the gap stood at 9.75 points and a then anomalous 24.75 goals., and Villa last won it way back in 1981, when the gap was likewise 9.75 points and a mere 6.75 goals.

The Sky 4's level of dominance can't be put down to good management, especially given the profligacy of Benitez at Liverpool and the instability of Chelsea. This is clearly a matter of money -- and it's surely no coincidence that 2000-1 and 2001-2 were the seasons in which the Champions' League franchise was extended so that the third- and fourth-placed teams could enter the competition and reap the lucrative rewards so that their dominance in the domestic game could be assured.

What do they spend the money on? Well, for starters, how about the Premiership's four largest and costliest squads? Back in March, as far as I can ascertain, the average Premiership squad consisted of just 41 players. The top four squads were Chelsea's 48, United's 53, Arsenal's 61, and Liverpool's 62, averaging out at 56 players each; the following sixteen had an average squad size of just 37 players. Everton had but 33, and Bolton had a paltry 27. Is it any surprise that the Sky 4 dominate to the extent they do, especially when other sides get depleted through injuries and suspension? Despite all the whinging we hear when the top teams don't get to field their ideal first eleven, they're practically immune to injuries.

Yes, I know Sunderland have 48 players on their books, but try comparing the calibre and the cost of the Sunderland 48 with the Chelsea 48. The reality of the current situation is that coming fourth in the Premier League means you can buy Torres, and that coming third one season means that if the next season starts badly, well, you can always buy Arshavin as a Christmas present, guaranteeing that you stay fourth at the end, leading the fifth place team by three whole wins.

The reality of the Premier League is that there's a four-team competition for first place, then a competition between a handful of teams for the next two or three places, and then a mad scramble at the bottom to avoid relegation. Sure, on any given day there can be an upset and a David can beat a Goliath, but these are anomalies. They don't happen often enough to change the big picture, and the reality is that most of the Premier League are little more than cannon fodder for the Sky 4, the teams that happened to be successful at the one moment in the modern game when success on the field pretty much guaranteed that the money would keep flowing in...

It rather seems that the Champions' League is the real competition, and that the purpose of the domestic competitions is simply to see who is worthy of promotion to the Champions' League. Unfortunately, the rewards for Champions' League participation are so massive that once established in the League, it's kind of difficult to get relegated, making the whole charade spectacularly uncompetitive.

All of which begs the questions of how much longer the sixteen teams that do the heavy lifting, not to mention the Morlocks below them, will continue to put up with this situation, and what will happen if one of the Sky 4 should slip out of the top bracket, especially given their astronomical levels of debt...

Given that I doubt the likelihood of an American solution, I'm sure this is a bubble waiting to burst.

Home is where the Books are

The Brother posted on twitter earlier to say his latest American Hell cartoon was one for book lovers. And indeed, having had a gander, it's properly bibliophilic.

Oddly, one of my shelves here in Manchester isn't wholly unlike it.

Alberta, in the middle, is, I'm sad to say, the only woman in my life nowadays. All the work stuff is on the two shelves below this one.

You'll note my effigy over on the right.

Outstaring the Gorgon

One of the things that keeps amusing me is how appalled -- and amused, it must be said -- my friends tend to be when faced with the uncomfortable plot summaries that are so crucial to the creepy parlour game of Name That Film. And for what it's worth, of yesterday's 22 plots, I've already been contacted with correct answers to thirteen of them, which is pretty good for less than a day.

But the odd thing is that if you try this with Greek myth, say, people just shrug, because such horror is entirely normal there. If I say to you something like 'Jilted wife murders husband's new wife and own children in act of vengeance, Gods approve,' you'd just think, 'Yes, it's obviously Medea, what's your point, Thirsty G?' Likewise if I go 'Man stubbornly insists on primacy of letter over spirit of law, son and wife kill themselves, locals chalk it up to experience,' you don't even blink and say, 'Antigone,' wondering what all the fuss is about, as you have probably always wondered why Sophocles didn't name the play Creon.

So here are ten more Classical plots for you to play with. If you're a Classicist and don't get them within about three seconds, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. If you're not, a lower and slower strike rate is forgiveable, in this philistine age. Give it a shot in the comment box, if you like.

1. Poor loser takes out anger on livestock, commits suicide.
2. Townspeople pay token respect to handicapped transsexual, but frequently disregard his advice.
3. Traumatised veteran returns home and butchers wife's guests.
4. Bisexual man kills perfect husband and mutilates corpse to avenge death of gay lover.
5. Musician has difficulty accepting wife's death, is assaulted and murdered by drunken gang.
6. Exotic dancer helps new lover murder her deformed half-brother.
7. Beautiful young wife trapped in unsatisfying daily routine, having to get up early for work while decrepit husband invariably stays in bed, muttering to himself.
8. Man keeps daughter captive, and is horrified when girl becomes pregnant after golden shower; daughter's son later kills man at sports event.
9. Scientist attempts murder of nephew, builds sex toy and dungeon, causes death of son.
10. Woman's brother kidnaps and rapes her daughter, woman develops eating disorder.

Ah, the things that every educated Westerner used to be expected to know. I wonder how Bible stories would work when written this way.

Name that Film... again

Right, so, here's a fresh challenge for you, just to flex your brains. I'd meant to post this this morning, but I was just too deeply immersed in the auld books to drag myself away. You know how it is...

So, the rules are the same as last time, in that all you have to do is think about the plot description and identify the films. Two rounds, so a general one with all plots described by me, and a specialist one, where some plots are my own, but most are sourced from Dorian & Co, though I've tweaked them a bit.

Here goes.

Round One

1. Insecure woman, threatened by technological advances at work and besotted by workmate, is publicly humiliated by workmate to impress his new girlfriend.
2. Macho racist, obsessed with brother's wife, mutilates corpses and spends years plotting niece's murder.
3. After suspected advances from open-minded politician, homophobic man befriends but is killed by politician's enemy, who the politician subsequently kills.
4. Vegetarian begins cycle of repeated clashes with authorities after being thrown off train.
5. Escaped Muslim convict helps embittered veteran in campaign of civil disobedience.
6. Artist's wife is romanced by old schoolfriend and finds pregnancy isn't the worst of life's complications.
7. Lonely woman experiences sequence of traumatic events and enters into relationship with sociopath.
8. Writer cheats on wife and enjoys watching lover sleep with teenage boys, is threatened by lover's father.
   
9. Radiantly healthy prostitute is threatened by doctor and embarks on love affair with drug-addict cop.
10. Teenager murders women and children and is sentenced to death, but escapes and marries older woman.
11. Fat jealous man persecutes schizophrenic follower of Atkins diet while on road trip.
12. Vegetarian celebrates birthday and gets married, dog dies.

Confused yet? Don't worry, you'll surely have seen most of them.

Round Two

1. Handicapped mass murderer kills old man, religious extremist terrorists destroy government installation, killing thousands.
2. Barbaric terrorists destroy major government construction project, killing thousands of contract labourers, handicapped mass murderer kills old man.
3. The United States provides arms, equipment and training to violent Islamic fundamentalists.
4. Alcoholic suicide bomber destroys valuable technology and kills thousands in deluded act of vengeance.
5. Rag-tag group of underdogs succeed at a massive undertaking despite overwhelming odds, credit success with faith in God.
6. British civil servant conspires with Islamic fundamentalists in terrorist campaign, plants bomb on plane, kills American general.
7. Politician arranges for assassination of terrorist leader who had orchestrated murders of civil servants and anachronistic killing of policemen.
8. Alcoholic and bereaved religious fanatic attempt suicide bombing, survive and find love.
9. In clandestine operation, gay masochist trains savage tribesmen in terrorist warfare.
10. Terrorists fight government, die.

Okay, so the last one's an old TV series. Off you go now, while I get back to work.